{original art by kelly rae roberts}
It was the day after Christmas, 2010. I was sitting shotgun as we barreled down a Texas country road, heading to San Antonio for a week with my in-laws. That’s when it hit me. I made an awful sound – part squeal, part moan, part gasp – that nearly drove Brad off the road. “I forgot to pack my pills,” I urgently whispered to him, hoping the boys in the backseat wouldn’t hear. He knew right away what I meant: we were suddenly driving straight into the unknown. While I stared wild-eyed out the window, Brad remained calm, quietly assuring me I’d make it through the week. I tried to believe him, but he didn’t know if that was really true – and neither did I. Could I make it?
I had resisted medication throughout my treatment for postpartum depression and PTSD resulting from the birth trauma I experienced with our first-born in 2003. I tried everything else – talk therapy, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, play therapy, you name it – and slowly but surely got better. I started this blog in 2006, finally able to see the beauty in every day and eager to help others climb out of the darkness. I was so darn proud of myself for doing the “hard work” and not covering up my pain with a pharmaceutical band-aid. Kinda cocky and snooty about it, in fact. I thought I had this thing licked.
And then I got pregnant. Holy crap.
My therapist nearly fell over when she found out, having assumed I’d never put myself through a delivery again. Once she regained her composure, she told me everything would be fine. And it was, for a while. But by my third trimester, the writing was on the wall: I was starting to spiral down fast, triggered by every reminder of my impending delivery. Panic attacks, flashbacks, and horrible thoughts I’d rather not repeat here. I was so annoyed with my brain for not sticking with the plan. What about all that hard work I’d done??
My therapist, my OBGYN, my psychiatrist and hubby held a pep-talk-pow-wow, encouraging me to help myself and my baby with some tactics designed to avoid a full-on meltdown, including meditation, aromatherapy, and some happy pills. I was on board with the first two, but feared that drugs would numb me out, making me just as emotionally absent for my second son as I had been with my first. But I wholeheartedly trusted them, so I begrudgingly agreed. But first, I had to leave that cocky girl in the dust – the one who was so proud of conquering her mental health issues without medicine. And I’m so glad I did. The drugs took the edge off and helped me feel capable and connected during the minutes, days and months after my delivery. I still felt like myself. Same passions, same drive, same energy. Less panicking, fewer flashbacks and no nightmares. It was an enormous relief.
But deep down, shame and fear were also lurking. During the three years I was on antidepressants, I only told a handful of loved ones, scared they would judge me or question my motives. I have lots of friends who believe natural is the only way or are up in arms over the rise in antidepressant prescriptions in the U.S.; I didn’t want to continuously have to defend my decision to them. And I didn’t tell my blog readers, either; I worried you’d consider me a fraud for promoting the healing power of everyday beauty when I also needed drugs to stave off my own demons.
I never did go back to my little orange pill bottle after that fateful Texas trip. I realized I was ready to move forward without the medicinal mood booster. Much to my surprise, drugs had helped me feel calm and collected at a critical time. And I’ve realized all that secrecy was so silly.
I’m no longer ashamed, and I’m no longer keeping silent.
I believe in natural remedies and holistic approaches to healing. I also believe the right drugs can move mountains. That’s been a shift in perspective for me and a good lesson to learn: what one person needs to find stability and sanity is not necessarily what will work for the next person. You must do only what’s right for you…and let everyone else decide what’s right for them.
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Today’s post is part of a brave blogging link-up I’m hosting for the courageous students in my How To Build a Blog You Truly Love e-course. Hope you’ll visit them to see and support what they’re sharing – and feel free to jump in, too!
Beautiful post, and as a trainee Naturopath who has also had many many surgeries and drugs, I too understand the need for both models and that despite what so many ‘authorities’ tell you, only you know what’s right for you. And none of it is wrong. xx
Thanks, Kate – I appreciate that and totally agree!
Hey – Love your stuff! I featured one of your etsy items on my blog today – with a link for purchase from you! I hope you get some orders.
Thanks for the feature, Stephanie – so kind! And I love the song you included, too!
Thanks for sharing what was in your heart, great story.
I know exactly what you are talking about in this post from my own personal experience and I agree totally with your decision to do what worked for you at that time. How brave of you to share this story that will be a comforting hand to so many other women when they read it.
If you don’t take care of the mom first, there’s nothing left for anyone else. Always has been one of my mantras. Proud of your bravery and glad you made it through so brilliantly.
So true! One my husband’s mottos is “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Thanks, Barb!
Wow, Liv, your post has given me goose bumps. I am a in awe of how brave you are in revealing the truth about yourself in your posts. I’ve just pressed the publish button on my blog post and am feeling a tad scared witless! Thank you for helping me make the leap. Em x
Thanks, Emma! Off to read your post – excited you’ve taken the leap!
What a beautiful share. Liv. I also believe in taking the natural path first, but not to the exclusion of the real benefits available from 21st century medicine. You were so smart to trust your support system; they can often see what we can’t.
You are also very fortunate that you were able to stop taking anti depressants so abruptly. There are many SSRI’s that must be tapered off from; any other way could be dangerous.
I am glad that your story has a happy ending!
xo, Anita
OH! I’m so glad you brought this up, Anita. Yes – I totally should have weaned off the drugs w/ my doctors’ supervision and was totally lucky it didn’t backfire for me. Thanks for pointing that out.
the beauty that is you
just becomes more brilliant
every day:)
thanks for this powerful share,
Jennifer
Liv – Yay for you for taking control of your mental health, even when it might have felt scary, or counter-intuitive to everything you had already done. Yay for a support system that created space for you to feel supported enough to take that leap. Yay for feeling healthy, whole and present in your life. What a beautiful gift for you and those you love.
Meds are my lifesaver. It took me a long time to realize and accept this. By fighting against them, I lost many good years of my life and now that my brain is working properly I’m so looking forward to the future!
Love hearing that, Michele, and knowing that you’ve figured out what’s right for you. Here’s to your bright future!
Beautiful, Brave,and Honest, what a wonderful example for us all. Thank you for sharing! Love & Grace, AnaLisa
Sooo if you had a heart condition, first thing they’d discuss would be medication – your brain and the thoughts within are a living organ just as your heart is. I love that you tried to conquer those demons on your own which gave you more strength and character to know that medication was the right choice at the time… glad you are human, glad you are with us and present and glad you are finding beauty in life!
You are awesome in your honesty, Liv. Go, you! I see no reason for shame when you were (and are) taking care of yourself and your family with all possible resources.
I’m with you on brave blogging. I feel your courage & I’m walking with you. I too have taken antidepressants after pregnancy. I have posted my “declaration of self” on my blog (my grown-up declaration of independence from the things that tried to tether me). Tomorrow I’m posting “smashed” about the day I smashed my bathroom scale in a million pieces. Honesty & truth heals the world. Thank you. Stay strong! XOX
Linking to the wrong site…its fitnessangel.Wordpress.com
A beautiful post on a deeply personal issue. So glad the meds did their job when you needed them. I prefer the natural route too, but that is not always possible. We do what we gotta do, right?
Liv! A Wonderfully Honest Post! It touched me, both the part of me that is a person/patient and the part of me that is a physician. I cherish hearing such an honest expression of your experience with your health. Thank you for sharing.
What a great post – I have never understood how/why people are so quick to judge about issues such as these. If you have diabetes you take insulin and no one judges or looks down on you! Thanks for sharing and glad you got the help you needed when you needed it.
Good point.
Thanks, Darcy!
Liv, I am filled with empathy as I read this. I waited until round three of postpartum depression to try meds and it wasn’t until then that I found myself again. Today I celebrate my baby’s fifth birthday and I am three years off meds. Thanks for your openness – it’s contagious in a wonderful way!
I’ve been down that road, too. I finally realized it wasn’t fair to my husband and son for me not to give antidepressants a try – I’d done my best to pick myself up and start all over again, but it wasn’t going to happen that way. I am thankful for medicine when it is needed and that I live in a time where depression is better understood.
I, too, believe in holistic approaches as well as tradional western medicine. Sounds like did a good job of taking care of yourself – and thereby your family.
I’m in favor of each of us finding what is most helpful for us. For me, it is St John’s Wort and a fish oil + borage oil supplement. I’m glad you found was most helpful for you.
I was skeptical of drugs. Now I realize how much anxiety and depression I was fending off just to get through a day. I hope to get off them to have another child, sometime, but not before I’m ready.
Thank you so much for your beautifully brave post Liv. I struggled through depression and anxiety for 18 years before I just couldn’t handle them on my own any more. You get to a point where you’re not able to make the healthy choices you need and that’s where the “happy pills” (I call them) help. So that you have the strength to help yourself. I’m back on them again for a second time but hope to go off them this spring. I know better what I need to do to keep myself strong and how to notice the warning signs early. Thank you again for sharing xx
This is a beautiful and brave post Liv. I’m so proud of you!
Giving shame a big karate kick to the throat empowers others to do the same. Keep up the good work.
Arty hugs, tj