During this first holiday season without my dad around, it’s not the Christmas hubbub that gets me down; it’s the awkward silence. Friends who have lost loved ones tell me people just don’t know what to say; they’re fearful of making me cry, saying the “wrong” thing or getting emotional themselves. So, I thought long and hard about the words that have comforted my family and what I’ve learned from friends who have experienced great loss.
1. I am thinking of you.
Sounds so simple, but it means so much to know someone out there is aware you are in pain, and thinking good thoughts about you.
2. What you’re going through totally sucks.
Plain and simple, the journey through grief is shitty. It feels good to have others validate this fact and acknowledge you’re hurting – in a real and gritty way.
3. I’m sending you love during this difficult time.
When it seems heartfelt, this is a huge comfort. Don’t worry that you might not know a person well enough to say it. I have received notes and tweets from people I barely know sending their love. Every time, it’s felt like a warm blanket of human kindness.
4. May peace present itself more and more with every day.
I’ve heard people say “may you find peace,” but this small shift in language touched my heart when a friend said it. It allows me to just sit back and trust that, in time, peace will find me.
5. I really want to support you this season.
People in grief usually have no clue how you can help them, so you’ll need to offer some suggestions. A few holiday possibilities: decorate the Christmas tree, bake cookies together, bring coffee over, help to wrap presents or address holiday cards, go shopping together, clean the house, babysit the kids, accompany your friend to a holiday gathering, shovel the driveway. Do not be offended if your friend turns down every offer you make; simply knowing you’re willing and able to help might be enough for the time being.
6. I don’t expect a call back.
For over a week after my dad died, a dear friend called me every day and just left a message to say she loved me and was thinking of me. At the end of each message, she’d remind me that she didn’t expect a call back. She knew that when I had the energy to call, I would. When I eventually called her back, I felt no guilt. Such a gift!
8. You can cry with me anytime.
Grief comes in waves and sometimes catches you off guard. You only want to spend time with people who accept you and support you as you are – even if you’re happy one minute and sobbing the next.
9. Can I share a favorite memory of __________?
Though it may be emotional, sharing stories of the person who passed can be really therapeutic for those left behind. Share how he or she impacted your life or bring up stories you remember your friend sharing about their relationship.
10. There is no “right” way to grieve.
Remind your bereaved friend {and yourself} that everyone deals with grief differently. There are no rules or expectations. During the holidays, some people find it impossible to carry on with family traditions, while others find comfort in them.
I hope this list serves you well either now or in the future, as you support a dear heart who’s hurting. Got another example of good things to say? Do tell!
You are such a brilliant shiny star, Liv.
I am thinking of you, surrounding your tender heart with light and love, and hoping that sweet peace finds you in small moments.
Hugs !
This is my first holiday season without my dad, too. I found this list very helpful; thank you!
Thank you for this list. This is my first Christmas without my soul mate, my knight in shining armor. We were together 30 years and I know people wonder what to say/do. I would like to share your list with my blog followers … so many have sent their *love* and *hugs* to me over the last year. Hugs and love to you!
Thank you for this. We lost my 43 yr old brother in law this summer and I'm not always sure how to say things to my grieving Mother in law.
This helps
This is a wonderful post because so many people don't know what to do or say. I lost my dad on Thanksgiving morning 5 yrs ago and it's made the holiday tough ever since. You're right, the awkward silence is the worst part.
I especially like #9 and would love to hear that from friends and family. I'll be sure to do that with those I know who are grieving.
Liv – once again, tears in my eyes at your thoughtful, touching, true thoughts.
This isn't a list just for the holidays, it is a list for always – kind, caring, and perfect.
Having experienced a good deal of grief within our family during the past several years, I can't tell you how helpful this can be to those who love those who are saddened by loss. I am thinking of YOU this holiday season Liv and yes, it does suck. /-:
This is a great list! I hate the cliche's that so many people use, even though they're appreciated. I know a LOT of people who've lost someone this monh; it seems to be an especially hard season for many.
Thanks for posting!
Liv, thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings to words for the rest of to learn from.
This brought tears to my heart, know that I am thinking of you, and although I do not comment on a regular basis I am sending my love and support through prayers.
This is beautiful, and something that will be so warming and helpful to others. I was just thinking about this recently — there are surprisingly so few words in English to fit the array of complexities in human emotions when it comes to grief. I absolutely love #6. What a wonderful way to actively express support for someone grieving without placing an obligation on that person to reciprocate until they're ready to emerge. What your friend did for you is so lovely. ♥
what a fantastic and well thought out post…you've helped a lot of people get over that awkwardness with this subject!! Wishing you all the best!
Beautiful thoughts. So wonderful of you to share, from your heart, the things that many probably wish they could say but don't know how. Thank you!
…Here's to hoping peace finds you more and more every day…
I am thinking of you, and I hope that you can find a little joy in each day; especially remembering all the fun times, knowing that your Dad is right there watching, and listening, and loving.
You have given us all a great gift with this post.
I hope that all the love that you send out into the world comes back to you.
I'm so touched by your comments the the buzz this post has received in social media. So glad it is helping – and I thank you for your kind words. Sending you all love – really.
superb list Liv. I wish it had been available to my 18 year old friends back my dad died. Most of them sort of left me be. Not the best. Though I don't blame them. It's not easy. One friend, a newish friend at that, called every day while I was home sitting shiva (seven day period of mourning where people bring you food and hang out) and joked with me about things. Like if I was at least psyched about all the food. Which I was! He actually cracked me up, which felt great as an alternative to sobbing.
I just found your post through Roots of She and have tears in my eyes. I lost my father only 4 months ago. Thankyou for putting my feelings into words. J x
thank you for sharing from your place of pain, Liv.
this is a keeper and going in file
tagged "brilliance".
So much love to beautiful you,
Jen