There She Goes Again… {10.18.11}

Okay, here’s the truth. I’m worried you won’t want to come around here anymore if I keep writing about losing my dad. I mean, why would you? Yet he’s on my mind constantly these days, so it feels disingenuous to share anything else right now. I tried yesterday…and I know my post fell flat. I suppose there’s some beauty in just being real with you about that.

Two weeks have already passed. I see my dad everywhere. I hear his voice all the time. I feel his hand on my shoulder. I think about plans we were making – for family trips, for working together, for talks we still wanted to have. I try to get things done and then I lose focus, lose my rhythm, lose my place.

I feel bad for strangers who catch me in my grief. I can go hours unfazed and then sadness crashes in without warning. Suddenly, I’m choking back tears at a coffee shop. Or staring into space in the cereal aisle. Or sobbing through the first part of Keith Urban’s concert {failed to mention that in the last post, didn’t I?}. I shield my eyes from physical reminders – like his picture, like his handwriting, like his emails to me – but then something so small and unexpected rips my heart open anyway.

People keep telling me to move forward one step at a time. Yes, right…but in which direction? Today, I looked at these gorgeous, light-filled woods and imagined walking through them. Which way would I go? How long would it take? Where might I end up? I had no answers, of course. Only a sense that I’d need to keep on keeping on – watching my step, taking it slow, asking for help, feeling my way through.

I know you can’t give me directions, dear ones. I must do this on my own. But if you’ve been at the edge of these woods before, I’d love any advice you have to offer. Thanks for hanging with me.

Liv Lane

Liv Lane

As an intuitive adviser, author & teacher, I help brave-hearted women illuminate their paths to purpose through powerful classes, individual readings, workshops and writings. This blog, started in 2006, chronicles my journey and offers light for yours. Thrilled you're here!
Liv Lane