I am mad. And I’m gonna tell you why – even though it may ruffle some feathers.
Yesterday, I received an emailed invitation to sell my art at a “birth and baby expo” showcasing the latest products and services on the market for new moms and moms-to-be. They also want to have handmade gifts and jewelry available for attendees, which is why the organizers reached out to me.
I was intrigued; I thought it could be a unique opportunity to test the waters and see how my wares did with this niche audience. So, I went to the web site for more information. The event’s mission, it said, was to connect attendees with “empowering, multicultural resources and education that promote healthy birth and parenting and to celebrate the transformative experience of becoming parents.” Loved that! The language seemed well-aligned with my values and work, so I downloaded the application.
But as I scrolled through the document, my heart sunk. Tucked in between details on the hours, booth specifications and fees, there was a section called “Exhibit Policies.” It said sponsors and exhibitors must comply with and affirm the following statements, based on recommendations from the World Health Organization:
World Health Organization recommendation of low cesarean rate (10-15%).
Availability of VBAC for all women with prior cesarean, meaning if you are a midwife or doctor you will accept women with prior cesareans into your care during pregnancy and birth.
World Health Organization recommendation that “exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months is the optimal way of feeding infants. Thereafter infants should receive complementary foods with continued breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or beyond.”
I can’t participate in this event in good conscience – and I suspect they wouldn’t let me. It’s not that I totally disagree with the recommendations. Rather, it’s that I disagree with the notion that there is one right way to have a baby or raise a child. This all-or-nothing attitude may empower some women, but it alienates and degrades even more – including me.
I realize WHO’s recommendations are research-based and outline the ideal situations for mama and baby. They want the number of c-sections to drop dramatically. If you already had one, they want you to demand a VBAC {vaginal birth after cesearean} the next time around. And they want you to do everything possible to breastfeed your baby for at least two years. My beef is that these are so often presented as the only respectable options, which leaves women who make other choices feeling like failures. Motherhood is the hardest job on Earth; no woman should be made to feel less-than on her first day on the job!
After my horrendous birth experience with Ryder in 2003, I already felt like a failure. I couldn’t birth my own child. I needed pain medication. I needed a vacuum. And my baby came out blue and battered. So much for a “natural” birth. Then, when he couldn’t and wouldn’t breastfeed and my milk dried up {despite countless trips to our local breastfeeding support center}, I felt totally ashamed. According to all of the things I’d read and heard, I’d already set my child up to fail and he wasn’t even a month old.
When I was pregnant with Truman, my therapist, psychiatrist and OBGYN highly recommended a scheduled c-section to avoid triggering PTSD and postpartum depression. I know in my heart of hearts it was a wise decision, yet I often found myself on the defensive – with midwives, with natural health practitioners, with moms who had done it all “naturally.” And when I interviewed potential doulas to support us – yes, we wanted one during our c-section – some refused to work with us and others drilled me, trying to get me to reconsider having surgery. We finally found sweet Diane, who helped us feel good about our choice and our overall experience. But it shouldn’t have been that hard to feel accepted.
And now, here I am again: shunned years later for the choices I made to protect the health and well-being of me and my children. I’m not welcome at an event simply because I believe the attendees should be allowed to weigh their options, decide what’s personally best for them, AND feel good about their choices. So, am I off my rocker or justified in the way I feel? I’d love for you to weigh in!
Liv -
I am so proud of you when I see you stand up for yourself and keep true to your heart. If more people in the world listened to themselves it would save so many souls heartache. You are so strong and confident – it makes me sad that an invitation to something that should have been great caused you pain. You have a beautiful family – you surround them with light and love – and never be sad for that!!! Hugs from your cuz
Lori
I've just gotta say BRAVO to you, Liv!
Labor and deliveries are SO not
one size fits all.
I've given birth 4 times….each one
so dramatically different from the
other that there isn't ONE common
ground for comparison. Not one!
Vastly different experiences in every possible way.
The befores and afters altogether
different as well.
To put that kind of "should" on
something so personal and unique to
itself feels to me a
crime against nature.
Like caging an animal born to be wild and free.
Bravo for your brave voice!
Cheering you on,
Jennifer
Your choice to have the repeat c-section was definitely right for you. Yes, too many c-sections are given but for many of the "wrong reasons". I truely supported your decision and Truman's birth was
beautiful. It was a privilege to be a part of it!
Blessings, "Sweet" Diane
Cheers to you Liv! I personally can't speak on childbirth, as I've never had a child.. but I honor you for standing up for what is right for you! Choices we make can have a thousand different perspectives, but knowing within that the choice is right for you is being true to yourself. Authenticity is freeing, empowering, and one of the best gifts that we can give back to ourselves.
Liv, Thank you for standing up for what you believe in! I agree… each situation demands an educated choice and it is wrong to make others feel poorly about their choices… I had a neonatologist bring me to tears about my choice to bottle feed my son after struggling with milk allergies (breastmilk included) with my first son. I was on bed rest for 2 months and hospitalized for 2 and a half weeks and that experience tore me up. In hindsight, following my intuition was the best choice because all three of my kids had allergies to milk and soy… and my youngest had to be on a presciption formula… I am proud of you for standing up for Mom's everywhere that don't fit into the so called "norm"!
I personally think you would have been an excellent fit for the expo!
Kris Lanae
http://www.cherishdesigns.wordpress.com
Hey Liv-er:
You are giving courage and empowerment to women who read your post (and your blog!) I had a difficult time breastfeeding my son Maxfield and when I made the choice to stop at 10 weeks the guilt was overwhelming. I was tired of hearing "well, you know, it's the best for your baby" – you know who knows what is best for myself and my baby? [guess what!] ME AND MY BABY! I mean, I get that the W.H.O. is stating their best case scenario for women across the world, but to have these event organizers require it to get into their event is quite appalling, and frankly, arrogant. Have you spoke with the event organizers and told them your concerns or why you will NOT be participating in their event? I think that would be great to have your voice heard to that group of people – you could enlighten them!
Liv, Thanks for the compliments! I would love to connect with you at TCC! Please do stop by if you have time! Thanks for doing so much for us on FB! Wish I could hear you speak at TCC!!! Have fun and enjoy!
http://www.cherishdesigns.wordpress.com
The WHO code of ethics makes me crazy. I totally agree with everything you said and I think forcing these ideals on everyone doesn't make anything better.
This coming from a 2-time c-section mom who sees a midwife and struggles with breastfeeding right until the bitter end.
I am not a mom. But I would like to think that should I find myself with child, that I would be able to have the support of my family and medical team regardless of how my baby was brought into the world. Thank goodness there are other options in case my child cannot be breastfed.
I know enough moms to know that each one is different. Her body, the child, everything. The ideal just isn't for everyone. Some people just don't fit into the mould.
I'm glad you are sticking to your convictions and supporting your own experience. No one should shun you for that. And no, you are not crazy. There is no sale in teh world that is worth feeling uncomfortable or like you are hiding who you are to be there.
You are totally validated, Liv — and this is a great example of an issue that is not simple and is not 2-sided, there many, many gray areas, including – what if you didn't 'give' birth to your baby, you adopted, but you're still a new mom? Or, perhaps you are not a mom, like me, and that choice of having your own child simply does not exist for you and never will?? What then? Everything has context, and the decisions and choices you made then were the very best for you — it amazes me that in this day and age of the POWER of CHOICE, we still run into the rigidity of views like those that outraged you. (Can you hear the screeching mental breaks??)
I completely agree with you and all of the other commenters! I had a c-section after 30 hours of labor and I would do it again in a second to ensure a healthy baby. I struggled with breastfeeding for weeks and was finally able to master it for a few months – here's the thing, I think the struggle was a gift – I now tell all new moms to do what feels right.
Your baby needs to be fed and you will find the right way – no guilt necessary! Argh!
YES! Let's ban together, we ARE good enough!!! I'm so tired of the shaming that goes on under the umbrella of parenting advice. With my first child I had a very difficult time laboring and 3 days of brutal contractions went by before I finally had an epidural. I was so drained and exhausted by the time my sweet daughter was born that I didn't cope well at all. I'm convinced it triggered a severe post partum depression and I had such a hard time finding medical support for that. I waited 4 years to have my second because I was terrified of repeating the experience. When my big bouncy boy was born I developed such bad mastitis that I couldn't feed him. The infections were life threatening but I was determined to try to breast feed that I didn't go on antibiotics soon enough (so much shame and pressure came from all around me) I suffered for months with the guilt that I had to use formula. People told me I wouldn't bond with my son and that he would be sickly his whole life. I was in a healthfood store once and someone stopped me and said, "beautiful baby, why aren't you nursing him"? I was shunned and judged whenever we pulled out a bottle. I felt like a pariah sometimes. Now that I'm in my 40's and have some life experience I can't believe that these were my early parenting experiences…. where is the Love, compassion, sharing and community? Why are new mom's often put in this situation? Thank God for this wonderful forum of mixed media blogging… it gives me hope that I am no longer alone. I love my children and have always done the absolute best I could with the resources I have. Advice really sucks…. Love and compassion and empowerment are where it's at!!!
Liv, I admire you standing up for your beliefs and I feel that you are completely right. The birth of my daughter was with an epidural and vacuum, but I have never felt like a failure because of that – esp. the vacuum was to SAVE HER LIFE!!! I had spent nine (9) weeks in the hospitals before her birth because of serious complications, fighting for her life – I couldn't care less HOW she was born as long as she was alive and please please healthy (she was). Breastfeeding was an ordeal at the beginning, but then went like clockwork, but certainly NOT for two years. I can so well understand that moms cannot breastfeed and I don't think that they are in any way less worth than others. I've always hated how mothers (unfortunately) are so evil and competitive towards other mothers instead of working together and supporting each other. I had my daughter when I still lived in my native Germany where people are Über-everything, especially towards young moms. Horrible.
And I'm not even starting to tell you how things were when 20 months later I lost my second baby in the second trimester.
Oh, and I would be very interested what the reaction from the organizers is to your letter. Please let us know. All the power and courage to you – you ARE a wonderful woman and mother!!!
I agree with you Liz, every mother should get a gold star, no matter how she came to that title. My son is adopted, so as I'm sure you can imagine I've come up against many "interesting" comments and pieces of advice. Sometimes from well meaning people who just don't know any better. I hope the response you get from the organization throwing the event is one of positivity accompanied by a willingness to see the error of their ways, or at least open their ways to include those of us who have journied a different road. Good for you for making your voice heard.
Dearest sweet liv, bravo and so well written! I am so proud of you and stand up for yourself while keeping true to your heart!! You are my inspiration! Totally agree that attendees should have a choice to decide what is best for them. Have a lovely merry happy day and love to yoU!
I found this article thru my sweet cousin Tracy and I have to comment! I had nearly the same experience with my two births & felt completely shunned and ashamed to face my posse of hippie mommas. After I failed at natural child birth when I had my first; our birthing experience was much like yours – very medical. Following that, my son and I then failed at nursing. Oh it was awful. I only made it thru 6 months because I was determined to go 3 years. I forced myself to pump for 45 minutes after each feeding and I also took medication to increase my supply. Hideous. I realize now that I was completely obsessed and not even enjoying the pure magic of my new, beautiful baby who wouldn't have made it into this world without the gift of modern medical practices. Holy smokes. Today I thank God and the Goddesses that my son is healthy and thriving. Lay off the new mommas and stand proud when you support that there is NO singular way to bring a baby into this world and no singular way to nurture and nourish. Hallelujah for our diversity & our differences and our ability to raise individuals with our own special momma influences. Kudos to you for standing on your box of principals to support all of us. -sara
Good for you! I had to have a emergency c section with my last child after 7 days of labor and 4 hours of pushing. My daughtera cord was around her, her heartbeat dropped and my heartbeat dropped. If i had not had a csection my daughter would not be here and who knows what may have happened to me. I had to be induced with all my children and trust me i would have loved at the time for my deliveries to go painless and smoothe however what a miraculous story i now have to share with my daughter to celebrate her life! I wouldnt change a thing! Thanks for sharing!
From one c-sectioned, not able to breastfeed, felt like a failure, mother to another – I love you, and your strong voice! Nicely done
Thanks, Liv. I've failed the WHO it seems, but I don't really care. I had c-sections, I used formula, but I have healthy kids and that's all that matters. All moms should be able to mother in the way that works best for them and not feel pressure to perform to the standards set by some impersonal organization. Thanks for sharing!
Comment fail. That was Tasha.
I will never understand why so many women feel that they are on this earth to tell other women how to run their lives: how to birth, how to feed their children, how to raise their children. You are so right! If we're doing what's best for our own children (having had a c-section myself, as the fastest way to get my struggling twins out and ready for medical care), they can all just keep their directives to themselves. And don't even get me started on "Stay at home vs. work in office moms".
Amen. Girlfriend. AMEN.
I totally agree with you in that NO mother should be judged on how their baby enters the world or how we choose to feed our children. It is really crappy that a group that is suppose to promote choices and women's health would be so single minded. Good for you for not attending something that made you feel unwelcome.
Just wanted to comment and say I don't think you are off your rocker. I wanted a natural birth from the get go and now here I am headed for my 3rd c-section and I wouldn't have it any other way. First birth, her head was turned and they tried forceps "judiciously" and swept me (crying all the way) to surgery where I delivered my beautiful girl. Second birth, I wanted VBAC, but trusted my doctor enough to know that wasn't a great idea. After delivering her, he told me I was a prime candidate for a uteran rupture. Imagine if I had tried to deliver her vaginally what the consequences might have been. I opt not to talk with people much about my deliveries because I feel they will not understand. And that's just fine with me because I have 2 and soon to be 3 beautiful babies and it doesn't matter how they arrived, just that they are here!
Lanie (www.laniejandco.com)
I needed a c-section, but the midwives didn't do it–told me to just "keep pushing". As a result, my son has severe cerebral palsy from oxygen deprivation, can't walk, and is tube-fed. (I'm lucky to still have him at all.) The hospital that nearly killed us still boasts about their low c-section rate.
Like you, when I see "recommendations" that impose the "right way" making any other choice the wrong one, it just upsets me! I won't go into details, but I wanted to do all the "right" thing when I had my first child at age 21… well, the right thing was after 17 hours of labor a C-section happened and for me breastfeeding limited… and guess what, we all turned out okay. Then my 2nd child, may not be here today had I not been in a hospital and had I not had a c-section. In fact, that is a very realistic probability. So, I'm very thankful I wasn't guilted into making someone elses right choice. Thank you Liv for standing up for all women.
Liv – thank you for writing this. It has brought up a lot of feelings for me that I haven't thought about for a long time. My delivery with my son was a rough one. I was induced due to high blood pressure and they kept trying to move things along because as my doctor kept reminding me, she had to get to her cabin. Trevor was stuck at the end and they vacuumed him out and he was ok but my placenta didn't detach and had to be manually removed (twice!). I hemorraged and was shaking and the room went black before I saw my blood pressure at 90/40 (I was given juice and could see again but I thought I was dying). I couldn't hold him right away because I was shaking so bad and that night I felt like I had been run over by a truck. My milk never really came in with him due to my low heboglobin of 6 (should be over 14, I believe) and instead of getting support from the nurses, I was shamed. I was begging for formula for him and finally one nurse caved but told me to hide it from the doctors when they came in because they would disapprove. It was a really tough delivery and hospital stay and I learned that women should not feel like criminals and failures after birth!! When my daughter was born, I didn't buy into it. I demanded formula and told the nurses I didn't want the guilt, I just wanted to feed my hungry baby (her delivery went much better too – thankfully!) Thank you for this wonderful post
As a mom who never had even one contraction but instead had an emergency c-section at 31 weeks (and then was never able to breast feed my infant who spent 65 days in the NICU) I completely agree with you, everyone should be supported in this tough journey called motherhood. It seems that almost all of us are just doing the best we can with what life has given us and being supportive of each other is much kinder in the long run and a much better step towards community. Thanks for your honesty – keep it up!